My brain thinks too fast. So many thoughts all rushing to the surface at once. I’m glad my thoughts are my own, that no one else can hear the hurtful things going on in my head. I have a chance to sort them out before speaking or giving any too much power or making them true. I have a chance to tell them, “stop.” They feel like they’re screaming at me, though. Some thoughts are so loud I question if my lips started moving. They didn’t, but how do I silence it? How do you quiet the voices inside? I feel like I’m overfiltering coffee, so you wind up with watered down caffeine. My thoughts are so filtered through that it’s like I’m not even myself sometimes. I’m a carefully selected group of words to tell you how I’m feeling, while inside I’m breaking down around myself and beating myself up over nothing. Will I ever learn to stop? Does anyone, truly?
relationships scare me. they terrify me, really. i have had my own share of ups and downs, i have been left and cheated on and lied to and pushed aside. i have been broken one too many times by those i loved the most. i have had trust taken away from me through no fault of my own, but of others before me.. and i have had the trust i gave away mean nothing to those i chose to hold it. but even more, i have had so many people try to come to me while they are in their own thing. like they got bored, or maybe they just aren’t really in love. and i don’t want to ever feel that again. i don’t want to choose to let someone in so close, and have them go behind my back like that always. and i get it, i would get bored of me too. so maybe that’s what scares me. i know i would lose you.
my head is spinning with the thoughts of where we once left off. it doesn’t seem that i matter much to you anymore. and i guess that it’s fine, but now i feel like i wasted my time. i just wish that you knew a little sooner, but i guess i could have told ya. i could have moved on, too. but i held on to you. and it hurt more than it felt good, so i don’t know why i wanted it. maybe it just hurt to lose you, maybe i couldn’t let go of you. but it wasn’t worth it at all. it wasn’t worth the rise and fall. it isn’t worth the words you told me, or the hurt you push upon me. i shouldn’t be used to feeling numb. i shouldn’t be used to when you run. it shouldn’t feel like this. it should have some bliss. i should be smiling. i should be happy. there’s nothing about you anymore that can make up for your problems. you create a mess, and you walk away. you think it’s us, but it’s you who causes a scene. this isn’t how it should have been, but my efforts meant nothing. this isn’t how it should have ended, but you’re selfish and I’m suffering. i would say i am sorry, but i don’t apologize for a thing. you deserved it all, you deserve more than what you got if I’m being honest.
there’s stickers for your band on my walls and on my door, and there’s one that keeps trying to peel itself off. i keep taping it and trying to mend it back into place, i keep trying to make it stay right where i want it. is that how you felt? did i make you feel like you needed to stay? because you always tried to run, eventually. to see that sticker keep scraping itself off my door is almost like a sign that you never were meant to stay. you were temporary, like play tattoos. but your color is fading out, and the more we rub up against each other the less of you there is to see. you don’t stick to me.
i don’t often get the attention i need from you.
and i get that you’re busy a lot,
but that’s no excuse when you can give her attention.
or anyone, really.
anyone but me.
i guess i am too much for you to handle.
you try to hold me in your hands, but i rattle.
i shift and i quake and i burst right on up,
i break out of the hand that tries to hold me down.
i just wish that you would look at me,
like i am something to lose.
like i am something in your life
you don’t even have to think about being right when you choose me.
i want to be loved, and cherished for all that i am.
not looked down on for what i am not.
i want your love, i want it all.
but it seems you may never want to give it up.
should i give up?
i wish you would just look at me, infatuated;
yearn for more, but i am unappreciated.
and oh, how that wears you down.
she knows. she’s known for a long time.
that didn’t make her care.
i told her. how he didn’t listen to me,
only took what he wanted.
i guess she thought it was a story, or a joke.
like i would humor such a topic in such a way.
like she didn’t see me crawling out of my skin,
in his presence, i was shaking violent.
she knew. she had known the longest,
other than myself.
it didn’t matter. she did what she wanted.
she saw his eyes sparkle, heard his kind laugh,
how i once had.
she decided that meant he must be pure,
i must be lying.
i understand the confusion,
i once thought his eyes were oceans to get lost in.
but in reality,
they are ice, and they trap you underneath the surface.
you don’t expect it when it comes,
because he’s looking at you with those sparkly eyes…
he’s laughing that kind laugh…
did it feel wrong when you kissed him?
could you feel the monster deep inside?
or was he right there at the surface,
playing along with the mood just right?
once you let the monsters in,
you become their den.
he has been festering in my soul for years,
but you haven’t heard me screaming.
you wouldn’t even listen,
you didn’t even care.
and you both will burn together,
vile remains cherished nowhere.
how could he…..?
why would he…….?
why would you?
when you knew?
“you’re not talking to me again? cool.”
you walk away and slam the door.
no, of course I’m not.
why would I want to when you act like that?
as if it isn’t enough, everything else you have done to me?
you have ruined friendships for me, lied to and about me, stolen from me…
you are nothing I want in my life anymore.
when I see you, I kind of blur you out.
you’re the smudged fingerprints on old pictures that I can never quite remove fully.
you’re the nostalgia I feel over any old memory of being a girl.
but we are women now,
and I won’t have how you treat me.
I won’t sit still while you childishly tease me.
I won’t let your words touch more than my skin,
like a mist from a sprinkler I can walk through in the summertime.
you can spit all you want,
I won’t swallow your dark feelings.
there is nothing to gain from someone who has no walls or ceiling.
you cannot control yourself,
first we’re fine, then you’re thrusting a knife down my spine.
and no longer will I play a part.
there are no more words of mine that you could deserve jolting at your ears.