braids

I braided my hair

One, two, three

It reminded me of you

Of when you loved me

When you pushed my hair behind my ears

Told me my voice was inspiring

Told me I was shockingly beautiful, sweet

Bittersweet

I braided my hair, in fishtailed twists

Reminding me of the feeling of your ribs

The way I would trace your body with my touch

But it was never even real,

Only dreamed up

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fragile

I miss your touch on my skin

I miss the way you explored my body with your hands

Trembling and unsure fingers

Not knowing what was okay to do just yet

That fragile, broken openness

I miss every particle of it

How we held onto eachother in the dark,

Breathing in the frightened scent of one another

Finding calm, comfort in how fragile we both were

Finding happiness and warmth that came from within

My heart beating against my chest, hard and heavy

Actually feeling something, something good and real

I miss you so fucking much,

And you barely look away from me

Mrs. Sane

When we first met, I remember my excitement for you.

You were the most honest person I had ever met;

Even said things others would normally hold back.

Later I learned that you just had no filter.

 
I remember how we both were always looking for new friends.

Always open to the idea of meeting new people with similar interests to us.

There’s so many on this island, we crossed paths a few times.

I heard such bad stories about you that way.

 
You would go for only girls, really.

You’d claim that was the only way you were comfortable– saying that guys hated you and weren’t as easy to talk to.

Seemingly, it was more that you wanted someone to unbutton their pants for you.

And you didn’t want anything that hung, down there.

 
You broke so many pending friendships for me, as you stuck your tongue into any mouth that opened for you.

You broke any ounce of trust I had in me, when you wouldn’t even tell me where you had gone.

As if it wasn’t bad enough what you had kept doing, I never even knew where you were.

And if I did, I was in a panic the entire time like some vacant part of me was banging on the doors, “leave!”

 
But I stayed. Even when the guilt bled from your mouth like a newly opened wound. I stayed.

I excused you. Even when you promised never to betray me like that, and I’d find you in your “forgotten” pattern. I excused you.

I became a joke for loving you.

I became more fragile and broken than I have ever been, trying to love you how I thought you deserved.

I should have left.

Maybe I’d be at least a little more sane, unlike you.

Thank you for always making me feel like I’m never enough, no matter how hard I try

Thanks for abandoning me and emotionally abusing me and always acting like it didn’t happen because you don’t want to talk about it

Thanks for acting like emotional abandonment and abuse can just be erased and forgotten, and triggers can be avoided, just at the press of a magic button or prompt of the word, “stop”